Relationship experts have long accepted as gospel that communication is the bedrock for a good relationship. When a couple is experiencing a problem, what can they do to work on it? Talk. Listen. Communicate. What else is there? What other way can they possibly move forward?
Spiritual Partnership introduces a new tool that is both easier and more effective than communication to address challenges and to increase the loving flow between you and your partner. The new tool is unilateral, spiritually motivated “Loving Actions.”
Before we describe Loving Actions, let's look at the limitations of communication as a problem-solving tool. How often have you tried to talk through a problem, only to feel worse afterwards, even if you used your best "active listening" skills, and carefully used only "I statements."
There are four obstacles to using communication as a problem-solving tool.
1. Communication requires the cooperation of both parties! Often, one partner is unwilling, or unable, to sit down and talk. Or you both put off "the talk" until you can find a good time, and months slip by. A second problem, even with casual conversations, is that one partner may be better at communicating than the other. This means that you are relying on a tool that starts you out on an unequal playing field and puts one partner at a disadvantage.
2. Communication requires difficult, high-level skills, and most people just aren't very good at it. We all seem to be born with a natural tendency to use poor communication, like becoming defensive, offering immediate solutions, blaming, insisting on being right, and glossing over feelings. Poor communication, far from solving problems, makes them worse.
3. Another problem with communication is that it encourages couples to focus on their problems. Under the illusion that if they talk more, they will actually be able to find a solution, they spend time on the weakest part of their partnership instead of concentrating on what they love and enjoy about each other!
4. But the worst drawback of using communication to work on problems is the universal hidden agenda. Almost always, the goal of "talking it through" is to persuade your partner to see things your way, and to change. It's the oldest and least effective problem-solving tool around: You change, and our problem will be solved!
Wonderful communication that flows easily is the goal of any relationship. But in Spiritual Partnership, we understand that pleasant and even deep communication is the natural result of an already loving partnership, not a tool to use on the way to achieving one.
So what can you do in your relationship if you decide to stop relying on communication?
The answer is “Loving Actions”, such as adopting a spirit of good will; behaving in a loving way even when you don't feel loving sometimes; deliberately disciplining yourself to limit negative and critical comments; finding ways to manage challenges creatively on your own; and practicing acceptance.
The benefits of using unilateral, spiritually motivated “Loving Actions” as the whole approach to your relationship are as many as the disadvantages of relaying on communication! “Loving Actions” are both easier and more effective than communication.
It is your behavior that will make a difference in your relationship. If you wait for your feelings to change, you will wait forever. You will never feel your way into new behavior, but you can often behave your way into new feelings!
So if the true purpose of your relationship is to "nurture your own and your partner's spiritual growth," as Scott Peck defined love, and if your goal is to feel happy and enjoy being together, then “Loving Actions” are effective! They are simply a concrete, practical way to apply spiritual values in your everyday relationship.
Another major advantage of “Loving Actions” is that you never have to obtain the cooperation of your partner. You can have a dramatic impact on your relationship all by yourself, starting right now! This gives you enormous personal power, strength, and control, not over your partner, but within yourself. You are no longer dependent upon your partner to change before you can have the loving relationship you long for.
Also, at the same time you are making your relationship a more pleasant place for both of you to live, you are becoming a more spiritually evolved person. Spirituality is not about meditating and then criticizing your partner. Spirituality is about living spiritual values like connection, authenticity, love, consciousness, gratitude, and surrender. Specific Loving Actions simply show you exactly how to live out spiritual values day to day—with your partner and with every other relationship in your life.
Repeat Oprah guest Susan Page developed her breakthrough couples work, Spiritual Partnership, over twenty years of working with couples and five bestselling books including, Why Talking Is Not Enough: 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage. Her couples groups are unique, because only one partner is permitted to attend the group. She teaches Loving Actions that are both easier and more effective than complex communication techniques. Susan's books have been translated into twenty foreign languages. She has been featured on CNN, NPR, PBS, and Good Morning America, and her international speaking and media career has taken her to twenty-six states, Italy, Korea, Australia, Canada, and Mexico. Visit Susan at www.susanpage.com.
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