There can be no doubt that few women would choose to raise a child alone. In most cases, following a divorce or separation, it is the man who leaves the home and family. Thus, the importance of male mentors in your son’s life cannot be underestimated. No matter how much you want to see things from your son's viewpoint, a woman cannot fully understand how it is to be a boy or man. You have never had any experiences as a male, and the pressures and hormones and cultural expectations of the genders are quite different. Whether this situation is right, wrong or fair is beside the point. The differences in the cultural expectations of boys and girls in our world are simply facts. Those differences are the most important reasons a male mentor is vitally important for your son. He needs someone he can relate to, identify with and talk to about things that are outside the realm of a woman's experience.

Just the fact of being older and a male does not necessarily make a man the mentor you want for your son. A good male mentor must be someone you know and trust fully who will be a model for his development as a man.

Top 6 Recommendations for finding Male Mentors for your son

1. A relative such as a grandfather, male cousin or uncle should probably be considered first because you should already have a good sense of who they are and what they are about.
   
   
2. Consider a male friend or neighbor who shares your beliefs and values.
   
   
3. Local houses of worship have pastors, youth leaders or other reputable men you can trust with your son. They could also have connections with upstanding members of the community who would be willing to give your son their friendship or guidance. The influences of a young man's association with a local house of worship can also have the potential to create relationships and spiritual experiences which can impact his world for a lifetime.
   
   
4. Your son’s school is also a resource for male mentorship. Male teachers often work as club advisors or sponsor groups of boys in various after-school programs. A school principal should be able to offer suggestions about the kinds of activities that are available and whether there are any males connected to the school that might want to mentor a boy.
   
   
5. Boy Scouts, although it may not be considered as cool as hanging out at the video arcade, is a good organization for a boy to make friends and be led by men who can mentor him. If he joins Cub Scouts as early as first grade, he will have wholesome activities to participate in all through elementary school. Boy Scouts begins at age 11 or in grade 6, and some men remain in scouting in some way or another all of their lives. Scouting provides leaders who are interested in boys' well-being who will give them opportunities to learn leadership and survival skills.
   
   
6. Another source of male leaders is Big Brothers. Its purpose is to match boys who need a relationship with an older male who wants to help a boy. A single mother I recently counseled was having tremendous problems raising her son because he missed his father so much. His emotional problems were causing significant difficulty in the classroom as well as at home. A call to Big Brothers led to finding a match with a big brother in a reasonable amount of time. His mother reported a change in his mood and behavior after just a few weeks, which astonished her.

A Few Cautions
You should get to know any potential mentor you select for your son. You need to know what his beliefs and values are, as your son will be influenced by them. Although it is unpleasant to mention here, there are men, even ministers, teachers, coaches, and scout leaders who molest boys. If your son seems depressed or anxious after being with his mentor, ask him what is wrong. If he does not want to talk about it, assure him you will believe what he tells you. If he says he is being touched inappropriately, if you smell liquor on his breath, or if his behavior is erratic contact the social service agency or call the local police.

Although there are certainly very bad people out there who prey on children, do not let what you read or see on television prevent you from trying to find a male mentor who can be a positive guide and companion for your son. What you must do to assure yourself that he will not harm your boy is to get to know him first or talk with people you trust who know him.

One last point to consider, if you find a good male mentor, you need to have some assurance that he will give your son regular time your son can count on. Be sure to establish the boundaries of the relationship up front. If you cannot get a firm commitment from a mentor for a few days or a few times a month, your son may be in the same position he was when he lost his father—not having a man to count on to be there when he needs a man's advice. Remember, do not give up until your son has a male he can trust who will give him time. You and your son will both benefit.

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Dr. Josef A. Passley is a Senior Child/Adolescent Therapist at the Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center, Baltimore, MD where he actively serves as Clinical Co-Investigator in a Clinic-Based Intervention & Prevention Program for Families Experiencing Depression. He also serves as a therapist with a Private Practice Multidisciplinary Group: Cedar Ridge Counseling Centers, in Laurel, Maryland where he provides outpatient mental health treatment for children, adolescents and adults in individual, couples, and family therapy settings. Dr. Passley is a frequent radio guest, national and international speaker discussing such topics as: “Preparing children to live productive and meaningful lives,” “Children and Holiday Depression,” “Paternal Absence and its impact on society,” and “The Effects of Divorce on Children.” He has also recently authored Single Parenting in the 21st Century and Beyond. Dr. Passley may be contacted via email japphd@yahoo.com or at 443.621.7260.