Heart To Heart Parenting:
Prevention Parenting Series

The Conversation Connection
By Anne Leedom

Spending time with our children has always been a top priority in our home. I stay home and work part-time from the house. My husband runs a local business. We read to our kids and participate in their lives as much as possible. My five year old began Kindergarten recently. Suddenly, mothers and fathers are all complaining about one thing. Surprisingly, it isn’t rudeness or bullying or fighting. None of the classic moral breakdown warning signs have reared their head. However, all the parents seem to be having the same frustration; getting their kids to talk about what happened at school today. In some homes, people are coming and going. Others just have very subdued kids. I wonder how many of us realize the impact of these seemingly minor conversations each day. But it is indeed the basis for many of the character traits we hope to instill in them.

We demonstrate our respect for kids during these talks. Our values and choices are imparted through these daily conversations. The quality of these moments dictates how open they will be to allowing our influence on their lives. And of course, the more they have this mutual respect, interest and belief in our support, the more they will discuss the increasingly sensitive issues that will arise. According to parenting expert Dr. Thomas Lickona, author of Raising Good Children, Jossey-Bass, A Wiley Company 1994, studies show most kids between the ages of 4 to 17 wishes their families talked more. Many parents try, but have a hard time getting past answers like “nothing” or “I don’t know.” Fortunately, there are several techniques that can help nurture this quality in your family.

Kids do not usually respond well to open ended questions like, “How was your day?” Use specific questions, asking, “What was the best part of school today?” or “Tell me two things you like about your new teacher”? It also helps keep the conversation going when it begins with a genuine question of interest, rather than the same question everyday.

Some of the best moments for conversations happen during activities you do together. Once again, the sincere interest in your child is displayed and they are more open to discussing things. The activities can be as simple as taking a walk or reading at night. Even dish time can be a great opportunity for chats. Talk to your kids individually, making an effort to have special time with each child.

One of the best ways to get kids to want to talk is to ask them what they would like to talk about.
Studies show several topics that rate high on kids’ lists, including family matters, controversial issues, emotional issues, “why” questions, the future, current events, personal interests, and their parent’s background.

Being a good listener is a critical element if our kids are going to open up to us. Listening skills like not interrupting, acknowledging feelings and what was said before answering are very important. Adele Faber, Author of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
stresses two important aspects of good listening. One, don’t overdo it. You don’t want to sound phony and they don’t need empathy every minute. Second, with young children empathic listening can intensify their emotions. Simply let them know that “I understand how you feel” will be just as helpful.

It’s also important to avoid negative conversations as much as possible. Ordering kids around, threats, put-downs and sarcasm can take you back several steps in your efforts to inspire great communication with your kids. We all have those horrible moments that are virtually impossible to prevent. However, it’s these kinds of behaviors over time that can do the damage. Just try to make sure the positive interactions outnumber the negative!

So much of our communications with our kid’s revolve around the attitude we have about our family. Many educators and psychologists note that often people treat their friends, and even their enemies better than their families. Families should be a wonderful, ready-made source of support and fun. It easily can be, if we remember to treat our kids with the qualities we wish them to have. We must go out of our way consistently to provide positive experiences to nurture the relationship and how they feel about themselves, based on how they think we feel about them.




Anne Leedom is the editor and publisher of www.parentingbookmark.com and www.moralintelligence.com. She lives in Northern California with her husband and two daughters.


For more information on character education for kids visit www.parentingbookmark.com copyright 2001.

For permission to reprint, contact editor@parentingbookmark.com

For more information on Dr. Borba, her books and her work on character education, or to contact her for a speaking engagement visit www.moralintelligence.com