My husband walked to the car carrying my obviously upset four year old. I knew they had been having a "moment." Kasey was clearly unhappy with her Daddy and the scowl on his face suggested he was not having the happiest time either. As they got in the car Kasey was crying over the fact that she was no longer being allowed to rent the movie she so wanted. I asked her Daddy what had happened? He proceeded to describe the moment in the loo where he had asked her to leave the door closed while they were inside and she continued to disobey, ultimately causing tremendous embarrassment on his behalf.

Once again my sweet Kasey found herself in trouble due to her excurberance and enthusiasm. I wondered how I was going to help her make the necessary connections which would guide her behavior. I soon realized this was a classic teaching moment for the critical skill of empathy, a skill experts say is the most critical needed if a strong sense of character and morals is to develop. I told Kasey to "talk" to her daddy about what happened and how sad she was about not going to the video store. She looked at me and said "I don't know how to talk to Daddy." I knew this would be a valuable moment for all of us. She began to describe how sad she felt and how sorry she felt, but she truly started to understand what she had done when we started to discuss how she made her daddy "feel." Obviously NOT something she had considered. She began to understand that we were not being mean or punishing her because she disobeyed us. There was a true meaning to the fact she had hurt her daddy's feelings and that was not ok. Suddenly, she wasn't mad and she wasn't thinking of herself anymore. She honestly felt bad about what she had done, she understood fully the IMPACT of her behavior and thus had taken a big step to developing empathy.

Children have been hurting each other for decades without stopping to think about the impact they have on others. Kids are killing people today and saying to other kids, "if you don't think about it, you won't be sad." According to expert Dr. Michele Borba, author of the upcoming book Building Moral Intelligence, The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, Jossey-Bass 2001, empathy is the most critical skill, needed to halt violence and cruelty and urge us to treat others with kindness. It develops naturally, however according to Dr. Borba, there are five factors that are particularly destructive and can reduce empathy.

The emotional unavailability of parents is the first factor. Working and nonworking parents are spending less than an hour a day of one on one time with their children, leading to a dramatic decrease in their ability to be emotionally available.

The second factor is the absence of supportive fathers. Long term studies have confirmed that a father's involvement with their children's lives has a significant impact on the child's development of empathy.

The third factor that is eroding our kid's development of empathy is the onslaught of cruel media images. Research has long confirmed the effects of watching violence on young children and the lack of empathy those kids tend to cultivate.

The fourth factor deals with how we raise boys often to mask their feelings. Research shows that boys are born with the same capacity for empathy as girls, however they are taught that anger is the only emotion socially acceptable for them to display and other emotions are stifled.

The final factor is interaction in the first three years of life from primary caregivers. In the first thirty-six months empathy can be greatly impaired due to abuse, neglect and trauma.

These factors can be large scale or minimal. No one factor can determine how a child will develop. It is critical that we bear in mind to nurture empathy in our kids and realize how critical our interaction can be for them. One of the best ways to enhance this trait in kids is to help them develop an emotional vocabulary. Help them learn not just to use their words, but WHAT words to use. It is also very helpful to clue your kids in to the sensitivity of others. When they are arguing help them focus on how they are making each other feel, not just on how to get what they want. When you watch tv or are out in the world ask them how that person might feel. Be sure your kids are developing a sense for another person's point of view. Take the time to reinforce the positive behaviors you see in your kids and this will go along way to developing empathy.

Remember, the number one factor in developing and enhancing any virtue is role modeling. Make sure your child sees you displaying the factors you desire in your child. Surround them with others who do the same. The little things we do each day go a long way to reinforcing behavior. Don't discount the critical impact you and other primary caretakers play


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